


Penny’s Secrets

by PennyPenName223



Category: Original Work
Genre: Advice, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Fluff, Guidance, Hurt/Comfort, Journey, Love Confessions, Multi, Real Stories, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-12 05:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17461082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PennyPenName223/pseuds/PennyPenName223





	1. An Idea Is Born

Hello Readers,

The other day I've realized that I have a very bad tendency to bottle things up. Who doesn't to some extent, but I realized that as I've held on to these things they affected me very negatively. 

Now I'm positive that we all are going through something and we have the thought "no one knows what I'm going through" well that's not true because there's a great big universe and the earth is a speck of it.

So this is more of a confession slash advice book. I will be telling my private stories and revealing my feelings about certain things. So let's see how this goes.

-Penny


	2. Friendship Insecurity

Does anybody have friends that you think the world of but, treat you as convenient friend.  
Meaning they only bother with you when their bored, lonely, or single.

I had one friend in particular who treated me like I was only around for her entertainment.

I’ve known her since 2011. That's almost eight years now. Although at this point I wouldn't call us best friends. But the way she treated me still effects me to this day.

I will admit with no hesitation that I am very shy and awkward, and my friend isn't, she's loud and what I would call abrasive.

At one point I noticed that she made friends quickly and lost friends quickly, which I felt bad about. 

So anyway, around 2014 she became my best friend, my confidant, I told her everything and anything. Even about how I had a serious problem of self-harming. So I mentally had put her on a pedestal.

Now remember to her, I'm only a matter of convenience. So anybody can see the problem. It took me a whole two years before I figured it out.

We had another friend and the three of us would go out occasionally together, but I often found out that they would go out and not one word would be mentioned to me.

Now I know what you're thinking "they can hang out without you" and etc. I get and understand that, what bothered me is that when I was with them they would complain saying that I'm never around, when they never even invited me in the first place. Or I’d say I wanna do this, and then they would go there without me.

So anyway my friend invited me to go with her to visit her relatives that lived 6 hours away, and I said that I would go.

She would complain about me to her family. Which is plain rude. My friend also talked down to me a lot, I avoid confrontation so she got away with it. 

But I didn't want to start a fight in front of her family so I let it pass. I let a lot of things pass, she didn't.

Once I told her I relapsed and cut. As if I wasn't feeling bad enough she made me feel even worse. She made me cry because of what she was saying. I don't remember exactly what it was but it wasn't encouraging and not what I needed. In fact she used it against me! And made multiple snide comments about it.

It made me regret even telling her in the first place. And since has made me fearful of opening up to anyone.

There are a lot more stories about this girl that will be revealed in other chapters so, for future reference she'll be called Alex.

So the results of this friendship are:

I secretly question everyone I am friends with. 

I don't fully trust my judgement of people anymore

I constantly feel like I am a burden to my friends. 

I feel like I am annoying or obnoxious to them.

And I'm forever insecure on whether they really like me or not.

In fall of 2016 I started college, and I cut myself off from her in favor of focusing on my studies.

She still claims to be my best friend and yet I found out she moved from her aunt. Months after she actually moved out of our neighborhood.

She moved out...  
And I moved on...


	3. Honesty Isn’t Easy

When you develop feelings for someone, you usually tell somebody else. Mom, dad, sibling, friend...

And you expect them to be happy and honest about this. That's what we expect but it's not always what we get, this chapter isn't my story. It comes from James, someone who I consider a little brother. 

James and I met at work and we quickly went from co-workers to best friends. 

At this point it has been about 3 years of us working together. And he had confided in me that he liked one of our co-workers. Which would've been fine except he confided in other people too.

We had another co-worked we'll call Michael. Michael kept telling James that he had a chance that the girl thought he was cute. 

One day I worked with said girl and found out her side of the story. She didn't like him as more than friends and Michael was only doing it to make her uncomfortable and his own amusement.

Having been in James's shoes I knew what I had to do. When I next saw James he was happily chatting about the girl and asking me if she said anything. I didn't want to crush his spirit but...

This was the test of our friendship. I told him everything. And if anything changed, we're closer than ever. He backed away from the girl and said he's happy just being friends, as for Michael... well James no longer tells him any secrets. 

Moral of the story, doing what you think is right isn't the easiest thing to do especially if it hurts someone close to you. But you owe it to yourself to be honest. Because if you're not honest with your friends what makes you think they're honest with you.

Having been in James's place I can understand how he must've felt, disappointment...betrayal. There have been countless times where people have told me I had a chance with a guy when I didn't and vice versa saying I had no chance when I did.

If someone likes you, you'll know it. I'm sure a lot of us have been in his shoes. And that's okay, don't lose heart. Because it shows us who is really there for us and has our backs.


	4. Coping *Trigger Warning*

As I vaguely mentioned before, I used to self-harm. I remember the last time I cut, it was June 24, 2017. 

So it's been over a year, which considering how bad I was, is such a huge accomplishment. Considering how bad I was, leaving as many as 12 red lines on my skin at one time.

But lately I feel my grip slipping, and the temptation is stronger than ever. It hit me the other day, but it's worse this morning. I have a pocket knife and I can hear it calling me, tempting me. Even though I know it's just a knife, it can't hurt me, unless I make it.

I am a person who self-punishes. Always have been since I was I think 9, to this day, I often skip meals just because I am mad at myself for something, I say something stupid or mean, or just lack the motivation to eat. I know it is really unhealthy but, I feel like not eating is better than cutting. If people ask I jokingly say I forgot and they usually believe me. But I don't eat breakfast, usually don't eat lunch, and depends on the day if I skip dinner. I usually just snack which is bad for my wallet and waistline.

I am a person who hates it when people try to help me with anything. Being short, a lot of people just assume I need help with some things. 

So, if people started to "watch me" then I'd distance myself or hide my true self even more. I'm not at my worst yet, and I like to think that this time around people will notice if I get back to that point.

Lately my self-worth has plummeted (lower than ever, if that's even possible) and the worst part is, I have one friend (in particular) who often tells me how important I am to her. And that's what kills me about feeling this way. I feel bad for feeling bad.

I know very well that the road to recovery is NEVER easy. 

I've tried my usual tactics of suppressing the feeling until it goes away, drawing, or singing it out. It's too cold to go for walks. Even though I may brush on the topic with others I never go into the full, raw depth of it.

I keep trying my best to be positive but with everything going on in my family-life (another story) and inside my head, it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle. So my attempts at being positive come out as awkward outbursts or lame jokes.

I am my own worst enemy.

And I'm pretty sure my friends can see me faking it and I'm worried that I may come-off as fake. When it's really just self-preservation.

It actually got to the point where I don't even want to interact with anyone anymore. And there are days I wish I was still invisible. And I'm just thinking how unfair it is that these feelings come when I finally have good friends.

I feel like everything is spiraling out of control and I can't steady anything.

Currently I am getting ready for college. Trying to look my best and preparing to hide my emotions because I don't know how to say that I need help. And I don't know if I want to or not. I like being cuddled not coddled.

On one hand, I just want to give up on the ideas of happiness, success, and love. Just going through life my head down, not drawing attention to myself. But lately I've craving physical affection, just that reassurance that I'm not alone and that everything will be okay. 

I'm a physical person, words don't do much. It's times like this where I miss my cousin, she was a person who I know would hug me and hold me while I cried. Even though she was younger I always felt so safe with her. God knows how much I miss her.

Now I know what you're thinking why don't I just go my parents about this, well in video-game terms, if I'm my own bad guy, my parents are the boss-level villains. Everything I do I get criticized from how I wear my hair to taking an extra shift at work.

I asked my mother what she thought about people who self harm and she said "they're just looking for attention, there's nothing wrong with them" so clearly I can't go to her. My father has the same belief as her and I know I'd get a disappointed scowl from him. My house may look nice, but it's a prison. 

My prison.

So far only one friend (not counting the cousin mentioned earlier) knows about this story, and my true identity. but I'm all the more tempted to tell the others about just so they know what's going on inside my head. So they could try to understand why I'm acting this way. And because I would never be able to put this into words and it's likely I wouldn't finish cause I'd start crying.

This morning, I realized that I am more broken than I thought, and I don't think my therapy (I have bi-weekly appointments) will help anymore because like I said I don't go into depth about this. I try to avoid talking about the severity of this issue for me, simply because I'm afraid. 

(I also don't like talking about sad things in general and often make jokes even when they're not appropriate.)

I'm scared of this feeling. I don't like it, I don't want to self-harm. But a part of me is saying it's the only logical thing to do and that I deserve to hurt.

I'm scared that if I tell people they'll use it against me like Alex (Chapter: Friendship Insecurity) did.

I know I started this story for positivity but... I currently don't feel any sense of that.

It's now 6:15 am and I feel so alone. I'm sitting in the chair in my room, crying because I'm just overwhelmed. I know with a text, that friend I mentioned earlier would give me the best support she could. (She's such a nice person and I really don't deserve her in my life)

I think I'm to the point where just words aren't enough. But, it's time for me to slap on a cheesy smile and go to school.

-Penny


End file.
